Stockroom Kink Month - Bondage Basics - How To Tie A Single Rope Cuff With Ring
We’re starting National Kink Month with an easy rope bondage tutorial that lets you attach a person’s wrist or ankle to a bed post, the arm of a chair, or any other piece of furniture your naughty heart desires. For more detailed instructions visit our blog.
Be sure to keep a watchful eye on us all month long for even more tips, tricks, and treats from your pervy pals at Stockroom!
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Probably the days where there just simply ‘isn’t time’. There are definitely ways to make up for that (I’ve blogged this in the past, but things like daily ritual/routine, text D/s), but sometimes life gets in the way of that, too.
Something I’m learning is that submission can involve patience during times like that—enough to bridge the span and, once it’s over, pick right back up where you left off.
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
The stigma that kink or BDSM necessarily constitutes a mental illness.
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Probably that all BDSM gear has been oriented towards leather interest. That’s changing, but slowly.
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Improved intimacy, overall better sense of self, discipline, etc.
Let’s talk Domination/submission.
With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” there are extreme misconceptions about the nature of a D/s relationship.
The 15 million people who purchased this book (if they weren’t familiar with true BDSM before reading it) now have a view of D/s that is completely and utterly incorrect.
The relationship depicted between Christian Grey and Ana is a Master/slave dynamic. Please see my blog regarding the “9 Levels of Submission” for clarification. In a M/s relationship, the submissive releases all sense of self. They become the embodiment of what their Master desires/requires and their thoughts/feelings do not enter into the mix.
A true M/s relationship is rare for the simple reason that human beings are not genetically wired to release their identity – it is counter to our natural survival instinct. I do not agree with this level of submission for myself and have only known one couple in my life that was successful at it long-term. When last I spoke with them, they had been together for four years. At that point, they had been together almost two years longer than the other M/s couples I knew.
In “50 SoG”, Christian determines what his naïve submissive will eat, wear, how much she will exercise, who she will be allowed to speak to, etc. The popularity of these books, and the eventual movies, concern me because young women – especially young women of today’s generation – tend to be incredibly stupid when it comes to men.
In a true D/s relationship, a submissive willingly and with full trust releases control to their Dominant. This part of their lives can exist separately from every other part. Successful business owner, scout leader, Little League coach, PTA president…all of that is left behind when a submissive enters the world of his/her Dominant.
The submission of a person who is seen as an “alpha” personality by the rest of the world is especially seductive to a strong Dominant. They are fully aware of the individuality, the drive, the control of their submissive and watch as he/she leaves that aspect of their personality at the door and places themselves – literally – in their Dominant’s hands.
A true Dominant is strong in will and control. This strength is based on a core of inner self-confidence that is rarely expressed in anger. They know their place in the world and it is hard to shake them.
A true Dominant is concerned (foremost) with their submissive’s safety and (second) their pleasure. They are protective by nature with sex drives that are rarely in low gear.
I wonder at the porn industry’s depiction of battered women as the standard submissive. Scratches and welts? Reasonable. Fingerprints and rug burn? To be expected. Broken skin and bone-deep bruising?
A Dominant protects his submissive from harm, including knowing when the edge between pleasure and pain has become blurred for them. They exert control so a submissive personality does not have to. They guard you, protect you, so you can let go completely. They push your boundaries, introduce you to things they know you will enjoy – even if you resist initially. They are territorial by nature, much like our animal counterparts, and though they may occasionally “share” their submissive – there are rules that are followed to ensure protection of their most cherished possession and boundaries that are not crossed.
A Dominant who does not protect you from yourself, from going beyond rational acceptance of pain to needing pain in order to achieve release, is not interested in your safety. A Dominant who would debase you to the point that you are simply “a hole” to be used by anyone in any way doesn’t even see you as a person.
Temporary D/s relationships – of which there are many – tend to give birth to many misconceptions about BDSM. It is the pain seekers, who for whatever reason cannot climax without pain. Those women who feel so bad about themselves that words like “slut” and “whore” actually make them feel cherished. Then there are the Dominants who aren’t really. Who get off on hurting weaker people and couch it behind an entire culture so they can feel a sense of power.
No matter what the porn industry tries to feed you. No matter what E.L. James and her wildly incorrect novels try to get you to swallow. D/s is about respect and trust. A Dominant being strong for their submissive so he/she can let go and focus on the pleasure.
Is there pain? Sometimes. Is there punishment? Often. I myself had to be broken down and built back up…but nowhere did it come close to what I see every day from the porn industry.
It is when the line is crossed from BDSM to violence, disrespect, and humiliation that a submissive needs to evaluate their place in their Dominant’s life. A submissive is not a doormat or an inanimate object. After the sex is over, you should feel good about yourself, stronger and more focused. Just like “vanilla” relationships…the two of you together should be better than each of you individually.
Don’t buy into the hype.
And Christian Grey can shove his calorie counting, temper tantrum having, stalkerish tendencies up his ass.
I fundamentally disagree with some of this.
BDSM relationships come in all forms. Policing them is no one’s job, and you have to trust that people know themselves well-enough to know their limits.
“Those women who feel so bad about themselves that words like “slut” and “whore” actually make them feel cherished. “
I’m sorry, but this has nothing to do with feeling bad about oneself. I get off on this, and it is completely separate from any abundance or lack of self-esteem. Nor does TPE over food/clothing/etc have any connotations towards something that is unsafe or unhealthy if it’s completely consensual.
The main issue with this post is that, like many websites and resources, it attempts to definitively categorise D/s. It’s definitely possible to state some generalities about these relationships, but no one partnership is identical and can be molded to fit inside a neat box.
I think it’s a good idea to speak out against harmful behaviours in the BDSM community, primarily ones that are a direct result of misogyny and patriarchy of our larger society. That said, you have to give people enough trust to choose and shape their relationships. If someone enjoys something you find offensive or ‘harmful’, it doesn’t necessarily follow that it’s due to low self-worth or psychological illness. The key point is that, whatever the relationship looks like, it needs to be based on trust and be something that’s discussed and agreed upon—something I found lacking in 50SoG, primarily due to the fact that the main character isn’t ever comfortable enough with herself or her partner to do so (yes, there’s an agreement, but it was highly coerced and poor consent).
Just my two cents.
Post with 1 note
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Probably the Lyla 2 that we have. It’s wirelessly controlled by the remote which means I don’t get much say in the matter.
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
I don’t have a foot fetish really, but lately having my feet played with has been a huge turn on. It’s the possibility that I could be forcibly tickled or something. I don’t understand why foot stuff is always assumed to be a submissive thing. It seems the exact opposite in my opinion.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
http://vimeo.com/3554226 Not the video so much, but the song is pretty hot.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Hm.. well, yesterday I realised that one is having my hair pulled at the same time as being told to make eye contact. Either on their own is fine, but together are triggering of past events. Otherwise I’m not sure I have any. There’s a lot of stuff I’m mentally uncomfortable with because of self-esteem issues. If it were truly a command, however, I’m not sure I’d refuse by way of safeword… I might have trouble obeying at first though.
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I’ve posted at length about this before, but as long as two people determine what consent means to them, I think it’s perfectly healthy and a great way to obtain intimacy.
Post with 2 notes
This question was left in my ask, and I wasn’t sure if the person wanted to be anonymous or not, so I’m posting it this way.
Q: Hi, so this is an odd question I suppose. I just don’t have any luck at how to go about it. I’ve tried forums but they all get me no where. My whole life I’ve been interested in the BDSM lifestyle, more into the Dom/Sub relationship but BDSM in general I suppose. Problem is I can’t seem to find someone to have a relationship as such like that. I don’t know how to go about it, I don’t know how to even meet people that might be interested. I’m in a bit of a rutt since I just moved to a new state.
A: I think most successful ones that I’ve seen have always developed organically.
My current partner and I met through a political rally and had very vanilla sex for MONTHS (almost a year) before I could feel comfortable to tell him I wanted him to dominate me. I’m very shy about sex and prefer a dominant partner to ‘goad me on’ and push my limits so I don’t have to wonder what they want—-I’d rather they just took without asking (but not without general consent*).
So, I feel like my advice is just to find someone you genuinely like in your regular, day-to-day life. Sex only takes you so far, you have to be able to live with the rest of the person. And, if you can, chances are they’ll be open to new things if they haven’t tried BDSM before, because they’ll care about you and want to make you happy.
Second point of advice is to genuinely think about which aspects are important to you and why, so that if they have questions or concerns, you’re prepared to explain them. When this first came up for me, my partner was borderline appalled and couldn’t understand where I was coming from. He felt like my being submissive would be sexist and wrong. Once I explained that it had nothing to do with gender and everything to do with consenting power exchange…well, he started to listen up more.
This blog was private in the beginning, and I would reblog links, pictures, articles of what I was interested in because I was too shy to converse about it out of the blue. After he’d look at my posts, we’d be able to discuss things at length and it truly helped me to reach an understanding about things. We’ve come a long, long way and still have far to go, but it’s worth it.
So, go out and find a great person that you can really see yourself with. The rest will usually fall into place.
*consent varies, but should NEVER be taken lightly or neglected, especially in terms of engaging non-con/rape play. make an agreement ahead of time, put it in writing if you feel better about it. hard limits, soft limits, everything needs to be laid out and open for discussion as time goes on.
Love. Again, it would be on.
I’ve been itching to ask to use the chopsticks downstairs for this…
silly, but efficient.
Post with 2 notes
I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning to make him breakfast, pack his lunch, and get tea brewing.
So much of my submission is done, not in response to commands and orders, but just out of an overall intrinsic need to please him. And it isn’t some thankless, oppressive setup—I get approval, and feel a sense of pride in making my partner happy. Receiving affirmation that I’m taking care of his wants or needs makes me feel more complete than anything else on earth.
And something about cooking bacon and eggs in a cast iron pan while wearing a red lace nightgown just makes one feel pretty damn wonderful.
Page 1 of 2