wish list

18th July 2012

Post with 1 note

Days 12-15

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Ball gags. They seem so inconvenient to either person, and are aesthetically unappealing/look ridiculous. I find other gags (mouth bits, for instance) to be much more suited. 

Seeing any BDSM scene involving a ball gag instantly evokes the mental image of a clown nose or a pig with an apple in its mouth— and if you’re into that, then go for it! By all means. But my partner and I are both not.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

BDSM is a departure from vanilla, normative sex. This is a distinction many people are unable to grasp. 

At first glance, it seems to be a reinforcement of patriarchal sex and gender roles (or in the case of male subs/female Dommes, a gender reversed parody of this). There is a huge separation however, stemming from the sheer amount of discussion and consent involved in BDSM and kink relationship styles. That kind of emotional investment is not found in many vanilla relationships, simply because those people have often not taken the time to even question their sex lives. They are choose to ignore the fact that social constraints/oppression can easily creep into the bedroom or, worse, are ignorant of it.

For this reason, I find BDSM extremely liberating and comfortable.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

The biggest realisation that most people seem to have is that, like in any relationship, life gets in the way. Sometimes there’s bills to be paid or you simply have to go to sleep for work in the morning and not play out your wildest sexual fantasies. 

That’s frustrating in BDSM, as in any other type of sexual relationship.

It’s complicated further in TPE and 24/7 type relationships, but it’s nothing that conversation can’t help. And I think if you can find ways to work around busy schedules (sexting, leaving notes/orders around the house, having daily rituals) then it’s actually really helpful and can result in a very strong relationship.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I haven’t ever been bound with an anal hook, and it’s on my private amazon wishlist. I’m not sure what order my partner is planning to purchase the gear that’s on there, so it may be a while :\ 

But I’m looking forward to that one a great deal.

Tagged: 30 days of kinkbdsmsexkink

24th June 2012

Post with 2 notes

q&a

This question was left in my ask, and I wasn’t sure if the person wanted to be anonymous or not, so I’m posting it this way.

Q: Hi, so this is an odd question I suppose. I just don’t have any luck at how to go about it. I’ve tried forums but they all get me no where. My whole life I’ve been interested in the BDSM lifestyle, more into the Dom/Sub relationship but BDSM in general I suppose. Problem is I can’t seem to find someone to have a relationship as such like that. I don’t know how to go about it, I don’t know how to even meet people that might be interested. I’m in a bit of a rutt since I just moved to a new state.

A: I think most successful ones that I’ve seen have always developed organically. 

My current partner and I met through a political rally and had very vanilla sex for MONTHS (almost a year) before I could feel comfortable to tell him I wanted him to dominate me. I’m very shy about sex and prefer a dominant partner to ‘goad me on’ and push my limits so I don’t have to wonder what they want—-I’d rather they just took without asking (but not without general consent*).

So, I feel like my advice is just to find someone you genuinely like in your regular, day-to-day life. Sex only takes you so far, you have to be able to live with the rest of the person. And, if you can, chances are they’ll be open to new things if they haven’t tried BDSM before, because they’ll care about you and want to make you happy.

Second point of advice is to genuinely think about which aspects are important to you and why, so that if they have questions or concerns, you’re prepared to explain them. When this first came up for me, my partner was borderline appalled and couldn’t understand where I was coming from. He felt like my being submissive would be sexist and wrong. Once I explained that it had nothing to do with gender and everything to do with consenting power exchange…well, he started to listen up more.

This blog was private in the beginning, and I would reblog links, pictures, articles of what I was interested in because I was too shy to converse about it out of the blue. After he’d look at my posts, we’d be able to discuss things at length and it truly helped me to reach an understanding about things. We’ve come a long, long way and still have far to go, but it’s worth it. 

So, go out and find a great person that you can really see yourself with. The rest will usually fall into place.

*consent varies, but should NEVER be taken lightly or neglected, especially in terms of engaging non-con/rape play. make an agreement ahead of time, put it in writing if you feel better about it. hard limits, soft limits, everything needs to be laid out and open for discussion as time goes on. 

Tagged: bdsmsubmissiondominancesubmissivedominantsexrelationships